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The Parenting Game

THE PARENTING GAME – Tips on Being a Successful Parent

By Samera Sheikh

The title of ‘PARENT’ is one of the most important labels that one may receive in their lifetime.  There is no job interview or license necessary to achieve it, however it is the most challenging job one can have.  As a parent, you are the most influential person in your child’s life, and how you perform has an effect on shaping their entire lives.  You are in essence helping to create the history and future of your family dynamics. Unfortunately there is no instruction manual for children when they are born. Therefore, it can often be a learning process in which we must try new things, hone our skills, support one another, and more importantly, learn from each other’s mistakes.  Most parents deal with situations with the goal of getting the situation under control as soon as possible.  They look for the fast and easy way out.  But if parents keep in mind how they want their children to be as adults, they will be more thoughtful in the way they parent.  Each child is unique and there are no clear-cut answers or predictable outcomes, however, here are some tips that have proven effective in many situations.

Establish Discipline Early in the Game

Children develop security, increased self-esteem and have fewer behavioral problems when in an environment that provides consistency, rules, consequences, praise and positive feedback.  Consistency means that your behavior as a parent is completely predictable.  To a child this means, “Every time I throw a fit in the store, Mom or Dad will leave the store “If you give in once, it’s like a slot machine that pays off.  Winning once is addicting!  If the slot never paid, no one would ever put money in.  Remember that children are always testing their limits and trying to see what they can get away with.  It is important that you discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make them feel loved.  Children that are raised in structured environments mixed with the right amount of nurturing and support usually make more successful adults.

Have Family Rules in Print

It is always helpful to keep established rules in print and in a clear and visible area.  When the child breaks a rule, the parent can point to a printed sheet and ask, “What is the rule?” This can take the focus off the parent and places it on the “rule”.  Rules should be clearly stated and reasonable for the child’s age, developmental level and emotional stability.  In some situations, the rules can be created with the child, which creates more accountability.  For example, if the rule states: “Sara’s bedtime is 8 p.m.”  When Sara tries to plead for a later time, the parent asks the child, “What is the rule?” and the answer is clear.

Calm Down

Before you do anything, it is important to evaluate your mental state.  How you react makes all the difference to a child, so step back and take a look at how you feel.  Parents often lose it because they are under a lot of stress and running around to fulfill the demands of their busy day.  They often forget that in order to take care of someone else, we must take care of ourselves first.  Try and separate yourself from the situation and collect your thoughts.  Give yourself time to come up with solutions before you act. Count to ten, take deep breaths, exercise, meditate, or take a long drive when you can.  Everyone needs an escape to recharge!

Use Actions, Not Words

Statistics show that we give our children over 2000 requests a day!  No wonder they become “parent deaf”.  Instead of constantly nagging or yelling, ask yourself “What action could I take?” For example, if you tell your child to stop doing something or ELSE!  Make sure the ‘or ELSE’ is defined and DO IT!  Actions speak louder than words. 

Try Using Natural Consequences

When appropriate, try letting your child learn from their mistakes. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid nagging or lecturing unnecessarily.  For example, if your child forgets their homework, don’t bring it to them.  Allow children to find solutions and learn the importance of remembering on their own.

Use Logical Consequences

Consequences should be logically related to the behavior because they also help to teach responsibility for the action.  If your child breaks a neighbor’s window and you punish him or her by spanking them.  What does the child learn about the situation?  They may learn never to do that again, but may also learn to hide mistakes, blame it on others, lie, or simply not get caught next time.  The child will probably feel that they are bad and feel anger or revenge toward the parent that spanked them.  When you spank a child, they are afraid about getting hit again. Ask yourself this; do you want your child to behave because they are afraid of you or because they respect you?

Compare that situation to a child who breaks the neighbor’s window and the parent says “I see you have broken the window, now what will you do to fix it?” in a kind but firm tone of voice.  The child may decide to mow the neighbor’s lawn and wash their car several times to pay for it.  What does the child learn in this situation?  That mistakes are a part of life and it isn’t so important that they make the mistake, but that they take responsibility to fix it.  The child does not feel anger or revenge towards the parent, and their self-esteem is not damaged.

Be Kind but Firm

Parents spend an unlimited amount of time repeating their statements.  This often leads to uncontrollable frustration or more aggressive forms of punishment.  Another solution in these situations is to get down on your child’s level, make eye contact, touch them gently and tell them, in a short, kind but firm phrase, what it is you want them to do.  For example, “I want you to play quietly”.  Once you get their attention in this way, they are more likely to listen.  Always motivate through love rather than fear.

Give Power Through Choices

Try to empower not overpower your children by giving them choices.  Children are constantly told what to do by parents, teachers, and even peers.  This often creates feelings of powerlessness and often leads to rebellion and other destructive behaviors.  All humans strive to feel powerful and needed.  Let your kids help you in the kitchen, or help you shop to make them feel important.  This not only allows you to spend time with them, but helps to improve their self-esteem. 

Giving children a choice is also an effective way to discipline.  If they are playing with their food at the table ask, “Would you like to stop playing with your food or would you like to leave the table”. If the child continues, kindly but firmly help them down from the table. Then let them know that they can return to the table when they are ready to eat their food without playing with it. 

When giving children choices, parents must be sure that all choices are acceptable.  Don’t give your child the choice of either sitting down quietly or leaving the restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.  Choices should also not represent a punishment as one alternative.  For example, telling a child “You can either pick up your toys or be grounded” creates fear and intimidation instead of empowerment.

Try to find creative ways of giving children importance.  One mother had trouble getting her child to wear their seatbelt.  She decided to make him to boss of seatbelts, making it his job to make sure everyone was safely buckled. Try making it a win-win situation for everyone involved by asking your children to help you come up with a solution that makes everyone win in the end.  Empowering your children not only creates confidence and self-reliance, but also teaches them about decision making and being responsible for themselves.

Withdraw from Conflict

If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being disrespectful, it is always best to leave the room or withdraw from the situation immediately.  Let them know that you will be in the next room when they want to “Try again” or say “I’ll be in the next room when you want to talk more respectfully and behave”.  Do not give up your position of authority by leaving the room in anger or defeat.  Also, instead of reacting in the moment, let them know the consequence ahead of time, so they have time to get themselves together and make a decision. 

Spanking

There are many different schools of thought on this, but it is usually best to refrain from spanking your child.  Aggression is obvious form of perpetuating violence in society.  Spanking is a more subtle form of aggression.  Not only does it teach children to use acts of aggression to solve problems, it can have a negative effect on a child’s self-worth, and cause them to be rebellious and uncooperative.  The long-term effects of spanking and other harsher forms of physical abuse are apparent throughout our society today.  Studies show that children that have been spanked are more likely to have low self-esteem, depression, and are in lower paying jobs as adults.  Families should strive to solve problems in logical and peaceful ways.

Family Meetings

At least one night a week can be set aside for family meetings.  This is an open forum where everyone has the opportunity to share how they feel.  A family meeting is not the time to punish but a time listen to their concerns and feelings and to ask them to listen to yours.  This is also a time where siblings can solve conflicts that they may have.  Only through open, honest communication can a family increase its positive relationships and grow together.

Do the Unexpected

The element of surprise always keeps relationships fresh and exciting!  Kids especially love being treated.  Even something simple like going for ice cream or taking them to see their favorite movie can uplift everyone’s mood and give a family some bonding time.  After all, these are the special moments that we remember for a lifetime.

Always Parent with the Future in Mind

Always keep in mind that every word, every action, and every event has the ability to be engrained in your child’s mind and heart.  You have the tremendous responsibility of molding and shaping their future.  Always try to look for the good in your child and praise it.  Statements such as “I love you because you are my child, but I like you because you are you”.  Messages like this really help to make them feel good about themselves, especially when they are constantly reminded of it.  Your child will always appreciate them.  When they make mistakes, don’t tell them that they are bad.  Help them recognize that it isn’t that you don’t like them, but it is the behavior that you are not willing to tolerate.  Children need to know that they are loved unconditionally even if they are not perfect. 

Life is after all a learning process, and as parents you will make mistakes, but it is important to remember that your kids will not remember you by your mistakes but how you made them feel about themselves.

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